REMEMBERING THOSE GRIEVING ...

Prof./Evangel. Michael Howard, MACS

The Commemoration of All the Faithful Departed (All Souls)

"...this is the will of the one who sent me, that I should not lose anything of what he gave me, but that I should raise it on the last day." (Jn. 6:37-40)

The souls of the just are in the hand of God, and no torment shall touch them. They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead; and their passing away was thought an affliction and their going forth from us, utter destruction. But they are in peace.

Many of us in ministry have never taken a course on grief or bereavement. As we grow in our roles as ministers, we will encounter someone who is grief-stricken. When responding to our saddened friend, we hope the Spirit will provide us with the right words to bring comfort. However, we have never formally studied the intense emotions experienced when a loved one, companion, or spouse is absent forever. Do we really know what to say?

With two months of family celebrations and gatherings fast approaching, we will find ourselves repeatedly in this situation, searching for words to aid a grieving person. The people we know will undoubtedly need a kind word to help them through these upcoming holidays. Supporting a grieving family member, friend, neighbor, or stranger is challenging and emotional.

For this reason, when reflecting on the words in the Book of Wisdom, someone mourning the departure of a loved one can find hope. These words from our Wisdom text provide comfort by assuring the grieving person that their loved one is in God's care. They are free from pain and the nighttime disturbances caused by nurses and doctors. They really are where we would want them to be, with God. St. Paul expressed it this way, "... we would rather leave the body and go home to the Lord" (2 Cor. 5:8). I would add that embracing these words requires one to "walk by faith and not by sight" (2 Cor. 5:7). They are the just ones mentioned in Wisdom to be in God's hands.

Despite these comforting words, the latter part of the text makes us stumble. Society has conditioned us to believe that our loved ones are gone forever, lost. Some hold the belief that "... their passing away was thought an affliction and their going forth from us, utter destruction." Anyone who thinks this way is placing their faith in a "god of cruelty." We must understand that, no matter how severe or prolonged their suffering, they were moving towards heaven according to God's timing, not ours. Since they are in God's hands, they are at peace.

Therefore, here is a list of five sayings we should avoid saying to someone who is grieving to prevent appearing foolish:

1. Stop crying! Be strong for Daddy, Mommy, and the family! Society often views tears or crying as a sign of weakness, yet God designed us with an emotional response that allows us to express love for others. When we grieve, our tears should be regarded as a tribute to the cherished memories of our loved one. If you are moved to shed a tear, be willing to be intimate with your friend; this is empathy. Let's cry together while comforting each other.

2. You can always get pregnant again. God loved Lisa best. Two things are wrong here: There are no guarantees that one will be able to have another child. Only God knows the answer to having another child. And yes, God is love, but to compare a parent's love to God's love is uncaring. Validating a parent's love for their child in heaven is a healing balm. Say something like, "...the love you and Lisa shared was God's love for the two of you."

3. Are you still grieving? There is no timetable for grieving. I always say that I will grieve my mom and dad's life until I close my eyes forever. You will always wish your parents were with you because of what they meant to you. They brought you into this world. Using your memory when grieving a soul in heaven is essential because it gives you strength for the journey. "Somebody prayed for me! I remember mommy in a special way."

4. I know how you feel! Wrong. You don't understand how someone feels. In fact, this line typically leads to you trying to search your memory bank to fit your friend's experience. You are supposed to be present with the grieving person. Stop it. You could try something like, "Would you like to share more? I am here to be with you." This is called being present. Remembering a good day or laughing with your grieving friend can be calming

5. It's probably for the best! Okay, who appointed you God for the day? We know that God's way is not our way! So how can someone examine God's creation and know what is best? This comment of knowing what is best can also lead to character assassination. Maybe they did not live in a manner in your eyes that was best, but you cannot make that determination. That's God's job. Always speak about the goodness of God.

   (If you know some positive words to comfort others, please place them in the comment section below.)

Let's pray with the psalmist today! "Only goodness and kindness follow me all the days of my life; and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD for years to come" (Ps. 23:5-6). Yes, knowing that our loved one is in the house of the Lord helps our grieving family member, friend, neighbor, or stranger

"For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who sees the Son and believes in him may have eternal life, and I shall raise him on the last day" (Jn. 6:39)

Thank you for reading this blog! If you found the content valuable, consider subscribing to Eat the Scroll Ministry for updates on our latest posts. Don’t forget to like and share this blog with someone who might enjoy it. Prof./Evangel. Howard